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What to Know About the ‘Hotwifing’ Kink in Open Relationships

What to Know About the 'Hotwifing' Kink in Open Relationships

Does the idea of your partner sleeping with other people…kinda turn you on?

By Gigi EnglePublished: Nov 17, 2021

If you’ve ever scrolled through a dating or hookup app geared toward ethical non-monogamy, such as Feeld, you might have encountered the terms “hot wife” or “hotwifing” and wondered what they meant.

“Hot wife” is a term used widely in the non-monogamous community, and pertains to a specific type of sexual behavior. “’Hot wife’ is a term that is used in swinger communities to refer to a wife, or typically a partner of someone, who is allowed to have intimate relationships with others,” says Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist. (FYI, while hotwifing is often associated with swingers, anyone who is in an open relationship or marriage with a penchant for kinky fun can dabble in the practice.)

A hot wife is “typically a woman married to a man, and the other partners that she is ‘allowed’ to hook up with typically [are] other men,” Ghose adds. While the term does imply specific gender roles, the behavior itself is customizable to suit any couples’ needs.


So what does hotwifing actually look like in practice?

In a traditional hotwifing scenario, the female partner is “actually encouraged by her husband” to go out and sleep with other people, explains Claudia Aguirre, cofounder of Luxury Lifestyle Vacations, a travel brand curating fantasy-like travel experiences for the sex-positive traveler. Said husband enjoys the idea of her getting it on with other partners and derives sexual satisfaction from it. The male partner in this dynamic is known as a “cuckold.”

This dynamic can be very arousing for both people, Ghose says. For the male partner, it’s “humiliating, emasculating—or it can be—because other hot men see their wife as attractive, all of which have different varieties of arousal and can certainly bring spice into a marriage,” she explains. For the female partner who enjoys being a hotwife, it can be awesome to hold “a lot of power to go and hook up, have relations, and dalliances with other people as she desires.”

The hotness in hotwifing comes back to the taboo nature of it all. Men aren’t supposed to be down for their wives sleeping with other people, and women aren’t supposed to get off on “cheating” on their husbands.

In the hotwife dynamic, who holds the power?

Pepe Aguirre, CEO of Luxury Lifestyle Vacations, defines hotwifing as “a fantasy or kink of sharing your wife with other men.” Which makes me wonder: Who is this kink really for? If you’re a woman being “shared,” are you fully in control?

Claudia Aguirre explains that this dynamic can have troubling implications—particularly when the husband is the one calling all the shots on who his wife is allowed to play with. “Some men [who are] into the cuckold/hotwife lifestyle give the impression that they are a whole lot less interested in their wives’ sexual freedom and much more into choreographing their own pleasure,” she explains. “And, in some instances, a wife may not enjoy being a character in her husband’s scripts.” Oof.

While all of this may sound low-key sinister, hotwifing isn’t a bad thing when everyone is into it. As Pepe Aguirre explains, when the hot wife enjoys being a hot wife, both people can engage in this lifestyle with plenty of gusto. Therefore, the power held can be “mutual when both parties enjoy this kind of relationship.”

Where are all the hot husbands?

Even though hotwifing can be sexually arousing for both parties, and that is totally rad, I really want to know where all the hothusbanding is. Seriously: Where are all the hothusbands at?

The fact that hotwifing—but not hothusbanding—is so common in certain ENM relationships makes me wonder why we’re still so stuck on such toxic male/female, power structures in sex. I’d love to see more wives owning the hell out of this and sending their husbands/partners off to get some ass from strange women, all for their kinky pleasure. In my opinion, if we don’t have hot husbands, we’re kind of perpetuating the Patriarchy.

I’m not saying let’s stop the hotwifing. Let’s just make hothusbanding a thing, too! *Starts making a list of people who would be into this so we can definitely make this happen ASAP.*

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Should we use a different term, or do we f*cking love it?

Lastly, is it chill to keep using the terms hotwife/cuckold, or are they problematic? In Claudia Aguirre’s opinion, the term “open marriage” is probably more preferable, as it indicates that all parties are equal and have control. That said, people are straight-up allowed to do use whatever sexy terms they want, as long as everyone in the arrangement is onboard. Sex-positivity, man!

So when it comes to this term, it’s really what you make of it. If you love it, go ahead and use it. It’s your life and your relationship. If it makes you feel kind of gross or you’re using it to exploit your partner for your own gains, well, that’s messed up.

Everyone enjoys different sexual dynamics and is entitled to play out those fantasies as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.

Gigi Engle

Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women’s Health.

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